The Trap of Confusing Chemistry with Connection
Why feeling drawn to someone doesn’t always mean they’re choosing you.
Every week, I unpack a common decision trap—something that drains your energy, confuses your mind, or costs you your peace. Think of it as a reset button for your week.
This week’s trap?
Mistaking feeling something for being chosen.
Mistaking attraction for intention.
Mistaking a vibe for a relationship.
I used to think chemistry was everything. If we clicked, if the conversation flowed, if I laughed, if I felt butterflies—then surely this meant something.
But here’s what I’ve learned—usually the hard way:
Chemistry is loud. Connection is quiet.
And when you’ve spent years alone—emotionally neglected, misaligned, or in a relationship that felt like a ghost town—chemistry feels like a homecoming.
But sometimes it’s not a homecoming.
It’s a distraction.
It’s a trap.
It’s a rerun of an old pattern wearing a sexy new outfit.
Why Chemistry Feels So Convincing
Chemistry is intoxicating. It makes you light up when their name shows up on your phone. It floods your brain with happy chemicals and makes you feel alive again.
And when you’re craving connection—or healing from a season where you didn’t feel chosen—chemistry can feel like proof that something good is finally happening.
But here’s the core truth:
Chemistry is a spark. Connection is what someone does with it.
You can laugh, flirt, and talk for hours. You can share childhood wounds and favorite songs. You can match spiritually, sexually, and conversationally.
And yet…still not be chosen.
Because connection isn't just about potential—it’s about participation.
The Danger of Confusing the Two
After my divorce in 2012, I had to relearn how to trust myself.
How to stop mistaking emotional intensity for emotional availability.
How to stop rewarding men for effort bursts that never became consistency.
How to stop chasing clarity from people who were only offering confusion.
I’ve dated men I had wild chemistry with. We had deep conversations, shared life stories, spiritual language, late-night texts…but eventually the consistency faded.
Looking back, I can see what was happening:
I was falling for potential. I was convincing myself that “interest” was the same as “intention.”
And I stayed hopeful—long past the point where hope was helping me.
So, What’s the Difference?
Let’s break it down:
Chemistry is:
The spark.
The flutter.
The fast, familiar energy that wakes up your nervous system and makes you believe this might finally be “it.”
Connection is:
What they do with that spark.
The follow-up.
The consistency, the care, the way they show up not just when it's convenient, but when it matters.
Connection looks like:
Seeing the same version of them on Monday as you saw on Friday.
Emotional safety, not emotional spikes.
A mutual rhythm, not a roller coaster.
And most importantly:
Connection is about being chosen, not just being intrigued.
Ask Yourself:
If you’re feeling the flutter, the spark, the “I can’t stop thinking about them” buzz… pause and ask:
Are they showing up—or just showing interest?
Are they consistent—or just charismatic?
Are they choosing you—or are you carrying the dream alone?
It’s not always easy to admit. I know.
Because admitting it means letting go of the fantasy.
It means getting honest about how often we’ve filled in effort where there was none.
It means grieving the love story we were trying to write alone.
But there’s a deeper freedom on the other side of that honesty.
Why This Matters
Because the longer we confuse chemistry with connection, the more we abandon ourselves.
We gaslight our own intuition.
We lower our standards.
We try to squeeze long-term hopes out of short-term sparks.
And in the process, we lose energy, time, and clarity.
We settle for being sampled when we long to be seen.
We fall for attraction when what we really crave is intention.
Here’s the shift:
Connection won’t make you question yourself. It will feel like confirmation.
It might not be as loud, fast, or fantasy-fueled—but it will be real.
And real love builds slowly. It roots deeply. It chooses you, again and again.
Coming Thursday in Untrapped Moves…
If this resonated, don’t miss this week’s deep dive. I’ll walk you through:
How to spot when you’re projecting connection onto chemistry (and how to stop the cycle)
The checklist I use now to protect my energy before I get emotionally invested
What real connection feels like in your body—and how to trust that signal
One powerful reframe that’s helped me stop romanticizing inconsistent people
If you’ve ever found yourself in a situationship that felt intense but never stable—this is for you.
Upgrade to the paid tier to get the full breakdown. Because you deserve connection that doesn’t make you question yourself.
Been there? Let me know in the comments. This space is for honesty, not shame.
We’re learning how to choose better—starting with ourselves.