The Gratitude Trap

When ‘Thankful’ Becomes Self-Abandonment in Disguise

Trap Therapy™ is the weekly interruption your protective patterns didn’t ask for — but desperately need if you’re done abandoning yourself.

For years, I called it gratitude.
It was really fear—fear of seeming ungrateful for scraps, fear of outgrowing the hand that once helped me.

I told myself I was lucky. Lucky to have the opportunity. Lucky to be chosen. Lucky to be in the room at all.

But deep down, I wasn’t feeling lucky. I was feeling trapped.
Trapped between appreciation for what was and the quiet ache for what could be.

Story: When Gratitude Becomes a Mask

By year two of a five-year role, I knew I’d outgrown it.
I wanted to expand. I wanted to move into staff development, study IO Psychology, and use all of my strengths—not just the ones that kept others comfortable.

But every time I brought this up to my manager, I was met with a shrug.
There was no curiosity, no support, no stretch opportunities. Just subtle reminders to be thankful: “We should just be grateful to have a job.”
And for a while, I listened. I internalized that message like gospel.

But then gratitude turned into grief.

The longer I stayed, the heavier it got.
I was burning out—not from being overworked, but from being under-utilized.
I knew I had more to offer. I knew I was capable of more.
But every time I reached for growth, I was met with silence, deflection, or a closed door.

Eventually, the signs became physical.
I’d wake up nauseous. I cried before work. I dreaded the annual conference so much that my body revolted—tight stomach, racing thoughts, endless trips to the bathroom.

Still, I stayed.
Because somewhere along the way, I had absorbed the belief that this discomfort was the price of being “grateful.”

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The Pattern: When Gratitude Is a Cage, Not a Compass

Gratitude becomes a trap when it starts asking you to settle.
When “I’m lucky to be here” morphs into “I shouldn’t ask for more.”
When it becomes a muzzle that keeps you quiet, compliant, small.

It’s not that you’re ungrateful.
It’s that gratitude was never meant to replace growth.

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The Psychology: How Gratitude Gets Twisted Into Obedience

If you were raised to survive—especially as a woman, or a high-achiever, or the “responsible one”—gratitude wasn’t just a virtue.

It was a safety strategy.

Being thankful kept you acceptable. Being agreeable kept you employed.
Questioning your limits? That felt risky.

So even when the truth bubbled up—This isn’t working. This is draining me.—you learned to push it back down.

I did too.
Until my body and my spirit refused to play along.

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The Shift: You’re Allowed to Want More

Everything started to change when I stopped asking for permission and started asking for alignment.

With the support of my therapist, my mentor, and a deeply insightful psychiatrist, I finally saw it clearly:
This job wasn’t just misaligned. It was making me sick.

So I set a date—April 30th. That’s when I’d be out.
And that deadline gave me focus like never before.

I got clear. I took action. I interviewed for a role that actually fit.
And not only did I get the job—I beat my goal. I started on April 21st.

Since then, I haven’t needed antidepressants.
The crying spells are gone. The nausea? Gone.
I sleep deeply because I’m no longer wrestling with my own knowing.

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The Takeaway: Gratitude Shouldn’t Cost You Yourself

You can be grateful and out of alignment.
You can appreciate the role something played in your journey—and still know it’s time to move on.
You can honor the past without living there.

Real gratitude isn’t self-erasure.
It’s self-respect.